How To: Have a Birthday and Not Be a Jerk About It

“My birthday is coming up.”

This phrase is self consciously worked into conversation the world over. If it’s a human you’re talking to, they’ll understand when you say “my birthday is coming-up,” you are also saying “and you need to give a shit or I’ll hate you.”

For some, her/his birthday is “just another day” and they don’t expect special treatment, fuss or a parade route. These people are protected from crushing birthday dysphoria or being completely annoying. These people are wrong. It’s super fun to tempt fate/your emotional stability, put your birthday expectations impossibly high and see what happens.  Lolz.

(My birthday was about three weeks ago and I was only kind of a jerk, you guys!)

It’s tough stuff. Your friends could worship you and make the day glorious or ruin every moment of the coming year. In planning, you ping-pong between how big the occasion(s) will be. One minute you’re looking-up prices on event tents, the next minute you’re looking-up prices on bigger event tents. Then you have to deal with the people who, for some reason, don’t want to cancel their plans to come watch you wear a fun hat and drink more than normal. “People,” apparently have “a lot going on” and sometimes “can’t be bothered with an intricately planned, you-themed bar crawl.” People.

Just conjure some birthday magic, be polite with these misguided souls and respond with one of the following example texts:

1) “If you can’t make it to my birthday I totally understand. It’s fine, really. I don’t care at all — kind of like how you don’t care. Funny.”

2) “That’s fine. Everyone at my party is going to genuinely care about me, so you probably wouldn’t fit in.”

3) “You can go shave your back now.”

4) “k”

*Only respond with “k” if you actually want them to die.

If at some point you plan to have a birthday, then I have some advice to help it along.

“Get over yourself.”

I know. That was even hard to type — and that advice is coming from someone who is very under himself. (I mean, I have a blog; that’s pretty much Internet masturbation) But last week was also someone else’s birthday and someone will have a birthday next week. It’s even possible that someone is having a birthday right now. I know — where do they get off?

The excitement of your birthday is appropriate, but diluted by all the other exciting birthdays in the world. The possible worshippers you are trying to corral have “better” things to do. It’s totally selfish for them to pass on your plans, but my guess is you have missed a birthday at some point too. And what did you do instead? You stayed home, ate Gouda out of your hands and stressed over what Vitamin C has done since “Graduation,” if her hair is still orange and is she OK?! Well, that sounds lovely;  but you missed your friend’s birthday which makes you normal/the problem/an asshole.

All that being rambled; if someone does actually find it in himself or herself to care about the miraculous little day and plans surprises and gets other people excited and feeds you cake at a circus, then you are very fortunate. That person is very special or wants to sleep with you and either way, you should hold hands very tightly as you walk through life.

So, if you are looking at a calendar with “MY BIRTHDAY” written in blood, on a fast-approaching square, try to get over yourself and your reservations. Hold on to that little stone of bravery, deep in your gut — the same one used to mentally puff up before an interview or complicated Starbucks order. Realize that no matter how much your friends try to ruin birthdays, a perfectly choreographed you-fest isn’t necessary to prove you’re the pretty much the Coors Light of fun. Because you are. You SO are.

Realize that people’s indifference is only vaguely personal. It may be scary to take a leap and make your day a big deal but there’s no reason to play “just the tip” with your birthday festivities. Make peace with what could (will) go wrong; then jump headfirst into an icing-rimmed-you-cocktail and lull in the golden pulsations of how much everyone is pretending to care.